I was always in the search for myself. Who am I? Who am I suppose to be? Who can I be? Who should I be? Where am I? Where can I find me? What’s ‘normal’ me?
Transferring to different countries during my childhood and young adulthood, I always searched for myself. More than that, I tried to fit into the community that I was living in at the time. I was unsure who I am or who I should be or who I can be.
In many cases, transferring between different societies have projected contradictory messages. For example, a society encouraged normalisations that you don’t stand out whilst next society embraced individual autonomy that you are unique human being. In addition, I have grow up in the condition that I tried to meet expectations of my parents, being a good girl, being a trustworthy person. I thought I received such message from my parents and society that this is how I should be, how I should behave, how I should react, how I should learn, how I should achieve… The list went on.
If you’re always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.Maya Angelou
I didn’t know what’s ‘normal’ but I tried to be ‘normal’ so I fit in, so I don’t stand out, so I can say ‘I am normal’. I guess, more I chase for ‘normal’ me; I am lost. I am so lost in myself. Some days I think I can recognise qualities of me that I want to keep, they were shinning jewels. Other days, even those qualities I thought I once had was so dull and I can’t even see the light in them anymore. Then I start to question, were they really my qualities? were they really something I wanted to hold on to? I believed if they should be in my life, then they should be loosing their lights butt they did. Then, I felt that I have lost in myself again. I felt like I had nothing I can tell others about my quality. Well, in reality, no one ask such question though.
Recently, I think I have found myself. I have felt that I am connected to myself. I finally know myself. I know where I am standing and I am able to see where I am going. I have a gained strong sense of clarity about myself. Then, I realised trying to be ‘normal’ me becomes irrelevant in my life. It is their map and not mine. I feel that I am firmly standing on the ground on my feet and walking the path I have chosen to walk. I am proud to walk this path on my feet.
What is the path you have chosen to walk?
Who’s the normal you that you are searching for?
Who are you trying to trace?
Who’s real you?