I have found it might be a tendency for anyone to seek for external approval. I have used it as a way to benchmark myself, evaluate myself, and validate myself.
Recently, I have realised that I was seeking external approval for expressing my anger. When I explored this, I have found that I viewed anger as a negative emotion to daily life. In my life, I have experienced expression of anger only in violent way. For example, someone or an object got hurt, objects flying across the room etc. It was quite common in my era that physical discipline was a normal practice too.
Another feeling that I have been told to hide in public is the expression with tears. I have been told that showing tears to others are showing them your weakness and that will give them a good reason to attack you. Well, now I know this is not true and I can choose when to express my tears and who to share emotion with. Realising this has given me sense of control in my emotion.
I was a child with low self-esteem and lots of self-doubts. I didn’t want to standout, and been labelled as different from others. I wanted to fit in so I can belong, so I can feel I am part of the group/society/community. I was so afraid to be called ‘unique’.
Care about what other people think and you will be always be their prisoner.Lao Tzu
I always looked around and try to be the same as the environment. I have to constantly ask others “am I looking okay?” “am I doing correctly?” “do I sound normal?” I was affected by every different move and comment made by others. Then, as Lao Tzu said above, I was a prisoner of them. It never occurred to me that hey will be a different human being one day. What a waste of my time and life, trying to fit in in that given moment.
Standing on my feet, tall and grounded, accepting myself and allowing to be centred, I did not need their validation, expectation, approval, or justification. Similar to others, I have right to express myself when I choose to and share with whom I want to share with.
Am I choosing from the centre of my heart? or Am I allowing others to choose my life?