Where’s my confidence?

For many years, I searched for ‘my true self’. Never confident to present myself to others by stating ‘This is who I am’. Well, in reality, not many people will ask” what kind of person are you?” I think what I really wanted was to confidently present myself as who I think I am but not knowing myself, this was not possible.

Let me share a story. For many years, I have been encouraging individuals to pursuit their dream of becoming a research higher degree student. Simply, I share my passion in research. Well, many of them started and completed their degree before I do. Part of me is proud of what they have achieved. Another part of me is feeling jealousy, self-doubt, and envy that they had achieved what I wanted to achieve for years before I did.

Looking back, whilst many of them sprint through, I walked through. Many of them devoted their whole life whilst I enjoyed every moment of my life. I picked more research skills along the way. um. Well, whether it is good or bad, the judgement call is upon myself.
Through these years, I was involved in multiple projects, learning from them how to conduct a good quality research, how to collaborate with others. Pros and cons about each approach of research. I have gained more experiences than others. These experiences gave me confidence in my research.

True confidence leaves no room for jealousy.

When you know your are great, you have no need to hate.

Nicki Minaj

This is the time I asked myself, is this truly what you want to do? comparing my achievement to others? am I comparing oranges and apples? Does it matter if they achieved what you want to achieve faster than you? Does it make your life easier or happier?
Instead, I want to enjoy my journey of research. I want to have fun with research. I want to learn more about research. I want to become an expert on research.

If so, I don’t think I have a space and time to compare myself to others. Rather, I want to measure my progress by comparing myself to myself from yesterday.

What are you achieving today?
Where are you heading?
Are you proud of the path you are walking?

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