What’s the connection I have with me?

I remember that day when I found myself. For many years, I felt I’ve lost myself. I picked up a book whilst shopping and started reading out of fascination. Once I’ve started to read this book, I couldn’t put it down. I literary carried everywhere I go for next month.

I remember that day when I found myself. I was set to meet a friend. I was half way through this book. When I met with my friend, I couldn’t stop talking to her about what I’ve just found, a book illustrated my life. She had to listen to me for about an hour, just talking about this book. Then, I insisted her to read a chapter relevant to her too. I was ready to wait for her to read the whole chapter; however, I couldn’t stop talking to her about my realisation. Lucky, she was a speed reader.

I remember that day when I found myself. I happened to connect with my supervisor. I had a friend with me but I couldn’t stop to share what I have just found about myself. She called me for another matter but before she could spill that out, she had to listen to me for at least 10 minutes. On the very next day we met, I insisted her to read a chapter that was relevant to her too. I waited her to read the whole chapter; however, I couldn’t stop talking to her about my realisation. Lucky, she was a speed reader.

The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.

Diane van Furstenberg

After that few weeks of excitement of finding myself, I gradually felt that I don’t feel that sense of self anymore. I thought I might have lost the sense of myself again. I felt a bit funny and awkward because I thought I was gradually down the path of lost self again. However, instead, I am getting comfortable about myself, knowing I am there.

After that day when I have found myself, things happened to trying to get me back into my old place. A portion of people, like my friend and supervisor, celebrated my discovery with me, whilst others were uncomfortable about my change. Those who were uncomfortable with my change, they had trouble adjusting to improved me. My parents were good example of this. She was frustrated when I put my boundary up because she couldn’t manipulate me anymore.

Yesterday, I had discussion with another friend. However, I’ve realised that she took my discovery very lightly. Instead of celebrating with me, she was like, yes, as long as you can move on with your life. I was a bit upset about her reaction and realised that although I feel that I’ve moved on, I was still seeking external validation for my existence. It was very interesting reflection because I can see that it is very easy to slip back to my old habits and behaviours. On the other hand, this reflection assured me that I am aware of things happening and I still have room of improvement.

Are you at the position where you wanted to be?
Can you think of any example where you are slip back to your old habits and behaviours?
How can you guard yourself?

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