I think I have a tendency to only try something I think I am capable of. I don’t like uncertainty or unexpected surprise in my life. I was a rigid person only allowing black or white, no various shades of grays. There’s only two sides to my life and I put those in gray as black anyway. If you can imagine, I only have my own way to do things. I only believed in what I have experienced. I wasn’t open to new possibilities. I lived in my own small world and excluded new perspectives.
As I grow up, people slowly challenged me about my small world. They questioned my absolute boundaries and asked me to expand my circle. Only then, I revealed my vulnerable self. Externally, I’ve pretended to be confident, wise, and caring person. If I ask friends about their first impression about me they usually replied “strict, icy, and exclusive” while others replied “warm, caring, and chatty”. Yes, I can react at the either end depending on my emotional wellbeing at the time.
I was a person with full of self-doubt, not confident, and not competent. I wasn’t living my life nor on my feet to walk my own path. I didn’t know who I am, where I am, or where I want to go. I was lost in life.
All life is an experiment.
The more experiments you make the better.Ralph Waldo Emerson
Only recently, I started to feel comfortable undertake some experiments in life. Instead of feeling the fear towards how others may think if I do x, y, or z, now I take them as an opinion based on their world which might be different to mine.
I have several friends who allow me to slowly revealing my true self. I am doing some experiment with them who showed me my tendency of being. More I try to reveal my true self, more I feel confident about my being. When I extend my experiments to others, I feel more comfortable revealing my true self to them. Only then, I feel that I am centralised within which leaves no confusion about my external self and my true self.
What kind of experiment are you undertaking now?
What are you revealing to others about you?
Who is your true self?