Who brings me peace?

I had an opportunity to spend few hours with my parents alone. It is unusual after I moved out of home. Usually when we catch up, it will be with my brother’s family. I assisted and escorted them to a specialist consultation for my father. We get to the consultation separately and they dropped me home afterwards.

From the moment I arrived at reception of the doctor to the moment I get out of the car, mum was complained about things happening in her life. I understand it was expression of her fear and anxiety. However, she repeats herself and wouldn’t listen to what I was saying. Then, I had to explain same things multiple times. Probably she was too busy thinking or dealing with information she has rather than taking further external information in.

My father’s kidneys are failing, as secondary to diabetes, and his kidneys are in critical condition where we had to consider options of dialysis and transplant. This means, in the near future, he will spend 3-4 hours per day, 3 times a week. That is, 12 hours out of his 168 hours per week, no including travelling times to and back from hospital.

Okay, back to mum. I’ve realised that mum only spoke about her worries. She spoke about my father as if she’s ashamed that he wasn’t able to look after himself. Probably, in some sense, it’s coming out her care to my father but it gave totally opposite impression.

Alright. So, for my father to start dialysis is inevitable. It’s the matter of time, soon or later. Because of knowing his nature, we, I mean myself and the doctor, didn’t give him or allow him an option of dialysis at home. Well, both of us didn’t believe in his capability to strictly follow the instruction. Well, he already has an record of alternating medication/treatment by himself, ignoring any medical advice.

It was out of his will, that my father simply said “I would like to travel to see my father who’s back in home country before I start my dialysis.” For me, this was a wise wish because once he had to start dialysis, it will certainly becomes harder for him to travel for hours.

Then, my mum’s destructive speech started again. “Travelling to see your father? huh? Aren’t you ashamed of yourself that you weren’t looking after yourself, not taking any advice seriously? and for this life, you were only able to travel to Japan and Vietnam in your life? That’s all you went. That’s it!” I was very surprise with what she said. I stopped her there “mum, that’s your personal value and father might have different value to yours. You can only said that if you know that’s his value too. You can’t assume that and enforce that on him.” She couldn’t give up and kept saying “but… but…”

When I was reflecting this incidence at the night time, I thought I can understand why she said what she said or did.

Nobody can bring you peace but yourself.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Soon after, I started to realise that she measures her happiness on materialistic things such as number of properties you owned, type of car you have, and number of places you visited. It’s not based on her inner value.

It is imperative to base your life on yourself, to take responsibility for your own happiness.

Josei Toda

Genuine happiness can only be achieved when we transform our way of life from the unthinking pursuit of pleasure to one committed to enriching our inner lives, when we focus on ‘being more’ rather than simply having more.

Daisaku Ikeda

I think I was influenced by her. I always sought external validations for my achievements. I didn’t know how to benchmark myself without contrasting with others. I know it wasn’t an easy way of living because it led me to self-doubts.

Who brings inner peace to you?
How do you maintain your inner peace?
What does inner peace mean to you?

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