Trust myself was a challenging thing concept. Along my journey, many people said “Trust yourself that you’ll get there.” Yes, I know but how to? Similar to the difficulty I had “to liking myself”, it was just not something I used to do. Well, I didn’t understand the concept so I really wanted to ask back:
What do you mean to trust myself?
What do you mean by I shall like myself?
How do you do it?
How shall I feel when I can trust myself?
What does it mean to me when I like myself?
All these were just so foreign concepts to my life. When I thought it was a good idea, it turned out to be in wrong direction, wrong concept, too much. All those I thought that I have achieved turned out to be not good enough. I just so lost in myself because I don’t know how I shall bench mark myself.
This morning, I suddenly remembered a memory with my supervisor. It was one of those daily encounters but it actually opened my eyes.
I think because of the influence from my parents, particularly my maternal relatives, I thought the best way to prove to them that I am more capable than they (parents, relatives, and others) think is to pursuit to a career in medicine. That is not out of my own will but to stop them devaluing my existence. Yes, in deed I tried my best to achieve what I can. Obviously, halfway through I found reasons not to pursuit what they suggested because I gradually lost myself. I was living someone’s dream, someone’s expectation, someone’s journey and not mine.
When I gave up “my preset” dream of my parents, I actually had a really complicated feeling. I felt guilty that I couldn’t pursuit my parent’s dream. I felt sorry that I couldn’t be a perfect daughter they once wanted. I was sorry that I wasn’t worth their investment. More than that, I was sorry that I had to give up that dream because of my inability to get to that standard. However, the other part of me didn’t want to give up to my limitations so I started to explore ways to make up for that.
Cut the long story short, years later, I still had this ‘preset’ dream at the bottom of my heart somewhere. I am not sure whether I was looking for external validation then or not, but I thought about it one day while I was with my supervisor. She looked me back and said “If that’s still something you want to do you can do it.” I looked back and her and thought she was joking but she was serious about it. I thought it was a joke because I was in my early 30 already. I couldn’t believe what she said but I felt that she believed in my potential and trusted me that I can achieve it if I want. My parents already gave up on this ‘preset’ dream and so did I but I had someone trust me enough and believed in me that I can still do it. For her, age wasn’t a limitation or an excuse not to pursue a dream.
Every heart vibrates to that iron string.Ralph Waldo Emerson
When I think back now, there are no coincidences in life because everything is interconnected. Then, there was a reason that my ‘preset’ dream wasn’t the right career for me. More I think about it, more I feel that it was meant to be not my career.
Having someone trust you and believe in you led me to believe in myself. I learnt to hold on to everything that vibrates the strings of my heart. I learnt to treasure that.
Do you trust yourself?
How do you trust yourself?
What do you believe in yourself?