Owning or having my self-respect was a long term challenge. Not knowing or understanding true self-respect, I disregarded for a long time. It was confronting when someone challenged me in this perspective.
I was accepting external values as my own values. I believed that my life is not as pretty as others because I didn’t know I had such option and/or choices. I was envying those who have a damage-free life.
I deeply thought that I have been ruined by others and so I cannot dream as others does. I don’t have that freedom. Whatever happened to me is my own fault that I didn’t protect myself. I didn’t take care of myself. I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t special enough.
These were my daily talks to myself.
To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one’s been crueler than I’ve been to me.Alanis Morissette
Even though many others believed in my potential, I didn’t believe in my own potential. I didn’t allow myself to see I have the equal potential as others do. I only focused on my negativity and become extremely critical about myself. I couldn’t sleep many nights because I did something to others that cannot be repaired. I felt extremely sorry about that others had to aware what I have done to them. Interestingly, I can remember how I negatively impacted on others than what others had done to me. I easily forgive others while I do not forgive myself.
I started to allowing myself to believe in my own potential because I had several individuals who corrected every time I devalued myself. They shared their perspectives about what I called ‘my faulty behaviour’. It was interesting when I started to share my struggles about my reflection of ‘my faulty behaviour’, many people said that they weren’t offended at all. They accepted ‘my faulty behaviours’ as who I am and even gave me the option to change if I want to. Only then I realised that ‘my faulty behaviours’ wasn’t something that is stagnant within in me. Instead, ‘my faulty behaviours’ are opportunities of growth. I now have opportunities to grow, to become a better person, if I choose to.
Be not the slave of your own past.
Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you can come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience that will explain and overlook the old.Ralph Waldo Emerson
Learning from these experiences, with never changing support from my sister-in-law, my supervisor and other friends, they gave me hope that I have potential to become a better person. Instead of been the slave of my own past, I can now use it for my own growth. That hope and potential are sown within every person. It is up to each individual to water it and nurture it.
Whatever your circumstances, whatever your past, the forces that determine your future are nowhere but within your own heart and mind. It is here that the star of your destiny shinesDaisaku Ikeda
I had someone who showed me a start of hope in my darkest nights and how to make it shine brighter within me. Now, this star is bright enough to illuminate my life.
What are the meanings you attaching to your past?
How is that past blocking your growth?
Have you found your star of destiny?