When I evaluate my own feeling…

After my father has been admitted to Emergency department few days ago, I am experiencing two contradicting emotions are battling within myself. A part of me is quite matter of the fact. This part of me looking at this situation from a distance, trying to address and manage the situation. The other part of me is accusing myself of not been empathetic enough towards him. It was surprising my friends and acquaintances are far more empathetic towards my father than I am.

I had a dysfunctional relationship with my father. It was far away from ‘usual’ father-daughter relationship. I am also aware that regardless of this dysfunctional relationship, I have love and hate feeling towards him. I guess, such feeling of love and hate are contradicting as well. I think we are at good distance. It doesn’t mean that I will develop more empathy towards him but I guess I am empathy enough towards another human being who’s at sick bed now.

So, I thought the fact that he’s sick shouldn’t affect me too much. My family knew his health is failing and it is soon or later. Well, in the actual fact, I can’t deny the impact it had for my psychological wellbeing. Sometime I feel that I am dragging myself to his room. Although it is my choice to be there, I question myself why am I trying so hard for this person.

Well, to complicate the problem, having a sick person in the family means mum will be extremely worried and anxious about the whole situation. You need good techniques to calm her down. Lucky I have now mastered that or else, I would have been in the panic mode with her too.

Okay. Let me evaluate why I am feeling what I am feeling.
Probably it is encountering unknown that I know I might not able to handle it.
Probably I am in denial because someone advised me to organise Power of Attorney ready for the worst situation.
Probably I am yet to find out how to start this ‘card’ conversation with my parents and siblings

What I know?
Regardless of the thickness of the fog, I still have to walk through this journey
Everything I’m encountering are new to my world. Sometime I feel like I am watching a life story on the movie.
I probably is finally encountering a journey with my father towards his end of his current life.

What matters is the value we’ve created in our lives, the people we’ve made happy and how much we’ve grown as people.

Daisaku Ikeda

Life is full of dramas and lessons. What can I do?
I will make every moment worth it. Regardless of whether I am sitting on my desk working on my study or sitting beside my father’s sick bed. I will live that moment to make it count towards value of my life.

You will pass through storms and heavy rains, and at times you will suffer defeat.

The essence of the creative life, however, is not to give up in the face of defeat but to follow the rainbow that exists within your heart.

Daisaku Ikeda

Are you enjoying every moment in your day?
How do you engage in every moment as an opportunity?
What did you make today mean to you?

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