When I can’t focus…

One morning, I woke up late. Partially it was tiredness, partially there were other physiological changes in my body that I am aware. That morning when my father was undergoing a major surgery, I was disturbed.

I couldn’t concentrate on write a blog that I usually enjoy doing. I couldn’t concentrate on my study writing because I was disturbed several times during the writing and I didn’t have all my notes. I couldn’t concentrate on my work because I was just not in the zone.

Finally I have realised, I am not focusing. I am disturbed. This surgery had disturbed me. Well, partially because I had a weekly meeting with my work supervisor and told her about my father’s situation. She insisted me to be with my father if I can. She actually convinced me to take time off as I need to because it was my father. She shared her experience with me and said why she insisted me to be with my father. Probably, that stirred me as well.

That major surgery he is going to undertake has high successful rate. Once he goes into the theater, there are nothing I can do. The earliest I can see him will be the following day. I always thought and believed I will be okay. I will be somewhat disturbed but not too much interference with my everyday life.

Well, today I have proved myself wrong. I didn’t have to be strong or pretend to be strong. I didn’t have to deny it is not disturbing me. How can I explain this? I was so caught up in what is happening in front of me and my awareness to the all the other parts were minimal. I am still trying to learn the balance.

In the past, human society provided encouragement and opportunity for people to extend support to each other, especially in highly stressful situations.

Daisaku Ikeda

I had a friend who happened to see me just before I walked off my office today to be with my father before his operation. She stopped and asked how’s my father and I told her that he’s about to have his surgery. She simply said “Call me whenever you need me.” I was like “Yes. Thank you”. I kind of blushed it off. Didn’t mean that I didn’t believe in her but I thought I would be okay. I was like ‘Yes, thank you for saying for the sake of saying it.’
But she repeated the same phrase twice more, grasped my arm so firmly, looked into my eyes. Then, I realised she really meant it. It seems like her words finally arrived my heart. This was the moment changed my perception about the words and support you get when you get.

When I received this news about my father been admitted to hospital, I told whoever I saw at my workplace. Majority of them were just acquaintances. For me, their care and support were overwhelming. I guess, I was still trying hard to pretend ‘I am okay’.
After met my friend before walking off the office, I realised, actually it is unusual to have such care and support in the workplace environment. This was the first time I felt I was supported in the way I never imagined.

Once I allowed and accepted their support and care, I realised how fortunate I am to have such connection. I took their advice, had a half day off, I crushed after sending my father to the operation room. I went for a nap. Somewhere I knew this is just a short rest and long battle of living with chronic conditions is about to began. However, I have a bit more energy to face the reality now.

What I have learned?
I can accept support and care from others. I can accept I am disturbed by this. I can accept I am not wearing this responsibility by myself.
When I accept these facts, I felt myself centralised to my core values.
When I centralised myself, I felt I have control in my life.
When I felt I have control of my life, I am freed.

Do you remember who were beside you in the hard days?
Have you allow yourself to be freed?
Are you acting based on your core values in life?

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