What urges me to find myself?

One afternoon, I was enjoying my spare moments that I had. I used to go through a survey that was available online about determining personalities. Yes, this was before I found myself. Until I find myself, I loved these tests. Every now and then, I will undertake one of such test and feel like I found myself. In a true sense, I probably didn’t.

That day my sister-in-law simply asked me “What’s the purpose of undertaking those tests?” Well, it was becoming a habit for me so I never think of its purpose. It took me awhile to answer this question. In true sense, I never questioned its purpose and why I undertake them. After few attempts to convince her, I realised the reason why I undertake personality tests. Because I was uncertain about myself, I felt it gave me a validation, “It is okay to be me.”

After realising this, my sister-in-law turn around and said “Do as much as you need to become certain about yourself.” It was fascinating to see how she turned around in her perspectives about these tests.

Probably this was one of the motivation why I liked about people watching. Well, yes, it was one of the behaviour I learned as a child so I won’t get myself into a trouble. As I grow older, I start to develop this fascination about people watching: how people do what they do, why the reacted in certain way etc. I start to make some stories behind those short observation too!! So, people watching was a strategy to keep myself safe and learn from their behaviours. This doesn’t mean I am doing right things all the time though.

My motivation wanting to know about myself was to somehow benchmark myself. It becomes a process of reflection. For example, I didn’t like that behaviour of this person, am I doing the same thing? Am I behaving appropriately that’s acceptable to others?

When I reflect on myself, I used to bash myself up with things I didn’t do well. I never reflect in positive sense. This means that before I sleep, I would go through dark, downward spirals which were enough to keep me awake for whole night. I would woke up with horrible feeling about myself and at the times, I feel sorry that I’m still existed.

I have used these personality test to learn about myself, to evaluate myself, to benchmark myself, to know more about myself that I wasn’t aware of.

Knowing others is wisdom, knowing yourself is enlightenment.

Lao Tzu

These personality tests gave me some clarity, certainty, and permission to be who I was. Probably, I needed that feeling of ‘I am doing okay’. When I think back now, I think I was try to find a peace in the middle of storm.

Now, with support from people around me, I have found myself. I then started to allow myself to be, to reveal my true self. I feel safe to be who I am. I have no doubts about my existence now.

Do you know yourself?
Have you found yourself?
Do you know where you are going?

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