A notice popped into my email stating that “it has been a year since I signed up for wordpress”. So it has been a year since I started this blog. Probably, this is a good time for reflection.
One night, I had a chance to discuss with my supervisor how I was before starting my research journey.
Me: I remembered I was so lost.
Supervisor: Yes, you were, lost in yourself. I remembered that you were very angry.
Me: Was I? … May be yes. I was angry.
Supervisor: Yes. It was painful witnessing you going through your life like that. It wasn’t easy.
Where there is an anger, there is always pain underneath.Eckhart Tolle
I had to ponder over this conversation until following morning. Yes, indeed I was very angry person. I can now put my finger on why I was angry. Probably, I was living in the lifestate of anger without realising I was residing there.
Anger is sign that something needs to change.Mark Epstein
When I reflect now, I guess I knew I was suffering there but I didn’t know what I can do about it. My focus were solely on why I have ended up where I am. I hated where I was, I couldn’t see values in my self, and I was just so angry whatever was the cause that triggered me to be there.
It’s a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you’re hurt.Tom Gates
My journey wasn’t a smooth sailing. As I tried to move on from anger, I realised more anger in me. I couldn’t see the end of it. It just kept emerging from within. Realising these anger within triggered more anger. For me, it was easier to express my anger to people around me than telling them why I was angry, why I was hurt.
Until one day, I had enough of avoidance and decided to face the anger. As I like to make the meaning out of my experience, one by one, I started to search for the cause of my anger. For me, having a reason/meaning to why I was angry led to acceptance and validation of feeling angry. It turned into continuous challenge of questioning why am I feeling such way.
From a very angry person to who I am today, this journey was filled with fascination, curiosity, and validation. I realised the values of things that I already had in my life and how to treasure it, polish it, and advance it. I am now aware of triggers of my anger so I learnt ways to avoid it if possible. If not, I know how to own it, manage it, and realise it.
Do you remember where were you 10 years ago?
Can you see how you changed over these years?
What was the positive change you have made in this time?